Suck 2009 movieOh, man… think of all the great jokes I could make about the title of this film. There are so many ways to go with a title like Suck… but I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I’ll save that for the other critics out there (Note: I went cruising around for reviews of this movie… I got through about five before I was disgusted at the lack of punctuation, critical analysis, and the all too clever puns.). What I will say was that I was prepared for this movie to completely… uh… completely be not good. After all, there’s nothing less badass than vampires, especially vampires who like to play alterna-metal music and pretend they’re badass. Surprisingly though, after discovering the 1.5x speed on my Blu-Ray player, I managed to speed up the film and make the music more punk-esque, which actually worked wonders.

Suck is about a group of struggling musicians. Their music careers aren’t going anywhere, and after their chick bass player goes home with a guy who looks like he’s wearing a Mad Hatter costume from Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland, she comes back with a crazy disease, which makes her glow and become attractive to everyone in the world. Of course, that disease is vampirism. Now the band must decide if they want to sell out, or keep it real. Along the way, there will be many hijinks, from meeting a crazy radio DJ played by Henry Rollins to hooking up with a grizzled studio master played by Iggy Pop. No matter how you slice it, the film is pretty damn funny.

Suck is clever and simplistic enough to work for most horror fans. It’s not trying to make some grand message or anything, but it works on a couple of different levels, and the most enjoyable to watch for free is a satire of the music industry and a damning indictment of the quest for fame. The fact that the characters are merely re-treaded twenty-somethings with dreams of fame allows Suck to work for most audiences. The horror elements are fairly strong and humorous to boot.

The Winners Rock'N'Roll band

Director Rob Stefaniuk definitely takes advantage of the musical aspects, and many of the best scenes online are composed of music video-esque montages, which are funny and just plain rock. The film is infused with a sense of indie energy, and Stefaniuk uses a variety of visual trickery to tell the tale, from some awesome stop-motion scenes of a van traveling to the awesome map-traveling cut scenes a la Indian Jones. Like a Pat Robertson diatribe, nothing is taken too seriously, and Stefaniuk keeps the humor flowing for the full movie, all the way up until its awesome conclusion.

The cast could be better in some areas, but for the most part, it’s a satisfactory ensemble. Rob Stefaniuk not only writes and directs a good film, but he can act as well. Stefaniuk plays the main character, the lead singer of the band The Winners. His performance is solid, but pales in comparison to the performances of Jessica Pare and Chris Ratz. Pare plays Jennifer, the bass player who gets turned into a vampire. Ratz plays a hilarious French-Canadian roadie, who delivers many of the best lines. Then Malcolm McDowell shows up as the great vampire hunter Eddie Van Helsing. McDowell is solid in the scenes that he’s in, but he’s a little under-used.


Then we have the typical musician turned actor performances from Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, and Moby. They’re typical in the fact that these guys clearly aren’t actors and their performances only enhance the story for people that are into these guys as musicians. To be fair, this is the best performance I’ve ever watched from Iggy Pop. To top it all off, Henry Rollins steals the show as a ball-busting DJ who gives the band a hard time in what might be the best part of the movie.

Despite the fact that Suck is mostly a comedic effort, it still manages to bring some nice gore pieces. Granted, these are just vampires, so nothing goes too over the top, but there are plenty of dismembered body parts and allusions to dismemberment from time to time. It would have been nice to have the gore quotient turned up a little bit, but for a comedy, it hits just the right notes.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much from this film, but I found a nice little gem that is capable of making most horror fans laugh. Again, if you’re like me, you might want to watch Suck online free at 1.5x speed, which makes it flow a little faster. But even if you don’t, it will be a raucous good time.

Suck is a good movie for horror comedy fans. It’s not too heavy on the gore, but the style and humor of the plot should entertain most people. Definitely watch a copy of this flick online.

What musician would you like to watch act as a vampire?